On adult diagnosis, finding healing, and the power of one.

It's been 3 weeks now since my own, never too late in life, adult diagnosis of ADHD.

And although I was 99 % sure that I had accurately diagnosed myself over and over again, I, like many 2e people, have imposter syndrome. So, I needed it to be undeniably real. I needed real confirmation, the proper assessment and diagnosis by a licensed professional in order to truly believe.

Knowing now that the life long pain and struggle that I have carried was real- very real, affects me two fold.

It gives me an overwhelming sense of sadness for the young girl who struggled in secret, as many girls of my generation did. Too ashamed to let anyone know how much harder I had to work to appear, "perfect", to maintain my unrealistically high levels of academic achievement at the expense of my social life and overall general well being. Never ever thinking for a moment that it was out of my control, that it could have ever been a disability. No - it was my fault, I had to try harder, I wasn't working hard enough if I wasn't making all A's. I had to be in control. The anxiety it caused. The perfectionism.

There were signs all along, but it wasn't until my parents moved me from my local public school that it all became overwhelmingly apparent.

I was always at the top of my class, but my parents felt, and it was true, that I was not being appropriately challenged, that my A's didn't really mean anything. So we decided I would move to a private prep school for my high school years. I was tested for placement and was immediately put in all AP classes my Freshman year. I will never forget the long nights of homework- 5 hours on average-having to read and reread chapters from my thick Western Civilization book over and over again, not because the work was hard, but because I couldn't retain the large amounts of detailed information. PreWriting and Memorizing the full answers to all 3 of the possible essay topics that could be presented on a test because if I didn't, my anxiety would get the best of me and I would freeze up and go completely blank. This is how I learned to mask and cope. I had to feel like I had complete control over something I could not.

Always being in the advanced classes but never getting the support I needed for my very real struggles with inattention, focus, working memory and processing speed, led me to overcompensate on a regular basis- leaving me constantly exhausted, overwhelmed and very emotional.

My mother didn't think anything was wrong because she was the same, had the same struggles, but was the opposite- she was an underachiever. She preferred to not apply herself rather than risk failure- the typical gifted underachiever. So of course she wanted me to do the opposite, to work hard and achieve more than she did.

It wasn't until the beginning of my senior year that I felt I could breathe. Being the overachiever I was, I had completed all of the required credits needed to graduate, aside from senior English which was mandatory. So, I had a lot of school time to focus on an Independent Senior Project. There were only a handful of us in this position. This is what saved me. I decided last minute that I wanted to go to NYC and study fashion design, but I had no art training. I had been offered an early full ride to Mount Holyoke College on a scholarship, but my heart wasn't in it. So, I did a study with the head of the art department, apprenticed with my aunt who was a self taught seamstress and pattern maker (2e- for certain!) and designed, constructed and staged my own fashion show, using my fellow students of all shapes and sizes as models. I applied to every art school in NYC with a fashion program- Parsons, Pratt, FIT- and was accepted into every one!

And that is where I found my people- my home, in art school. A bunch of misfits that fit together perfectly- like a little crazy family. Looking back it makes so much sense. Artists are probably one of the larger neurodiverse populations around! People got me and I got them.

My career in fashion saved me. It allowed me to hyper focus daily on an area of strength and joy. I was freelance, so the novelty and variety I needed to stay engaged was fulfilled. The fast pace forced my organization skills into overdrive and it was never boring. Always working with new people while also having some of the sameness of familiar faces was the perfect balance.

But I still was completely unaware of my status as a 2e individual- I didn't know there was a name for it. I just knew what I needed to survive and thrive and I had found it.

But then, 2 decades later, I burnt out. Finding success early, never saying no and never truly understanding my disability got the best of me after having my son,when I was forced to stop what had worked for so long. I didn't know that this was a thing,-2e burnout. I didn't even know what Twice Exceptionality was. I just knew that my coping capacity was shot and I no longer had my work to stimulate me. I felt a loss of control. My self worth was attached to my achievements in work and that was put on an indefinite hold. I wasn't getting my daily dopamine hits that I needed. Add to that severe sleep deprivation and loss of identity-It was all too much. Then came my son’s diagnosis of Autism, Covid, extreme school struggles…

It is only now that I can look back on it all with clarity.

I know I have a long road to recovery, with a lot more work to be done.

But I am finally on that path.

Since receiving the formal diagnosis, I now feel a massive sense of relief that has allowed me to have grace and kindness for myself. Kindness that I have never allowed. And forgiveness for those I love who were undiagnosed and misunderstood by themselves, myself, and others.

And although it has been there all along, waiting to be discovered, so that the healing could begin, I have my son Ozzy to thank for bringing it all to light- just by being himself and following his lead. He is my greatest gift and I thank goodness for him every day, for not only being my greatest joy and the most fantastic human I have ever met, but also for putting me on this incredible journey of healing and self discovery -all through his guidance.

None of us would have ever understood this multi generational Twice Exceptional thread, this web actually, that connects and touches so many of my family members, that is all so clear now.

And now I know why he and I have connected so much, seemingly on another level, since he came into this world. I knew his gifts and struggles intuitively, because they were mine, my mothers, my fathers, my aunts and my cousins - just unrealized- until now. And now we can move forward and break this cycle of the unknown, so Ozzy doesn't have to suffer alone as all that came before him did. And this new found awareness also gives hope for all future generations to come, that they too will have the understanding, kindness for self, and hopefully experience the joy they deserve -being Twice Exceptional.